Writing, Freeing Myself

I would love to set down and just let myself write.  Whatever I wanted to write.  Just let it flow.  Creative writing teachers say this is a great way to tap into ideas.  To find your inner self.  I am sort of doing this now.  Only I am not being “free” with myself.  I have limits.  Things that I just can’t, for whatever idiotic reason, put out there.

There are people in this world who do not have a problem writing about anything at all.  Their lives are open books.  Mine, especially the inner parts, looks more like a document recently released by the goverenment. Firm, thick, black lines covering the text that is there so others can not see.

There are so many things I want to talk to someone about.  I never do.  Maybe I should hire a therapist, after all you pay them to listen to your inner most thoughts.  Maybe I would feel ok about it then, after all I would feel guilty for not sharing with them since after all, it’s costing me money.

Yes, I have a husband.  Yes we have a good relationship but we never “talk”.

Hi honey how was your day?

Great and yours?

Wonderful.  What would you like for dinner?

Doesn’t matter.

Click, on goes the TV, another big buck about to loose his life all for the enjoyment of the redneck hunter.

Sometimes we breech into current events:

Did you see the flippin price of gas today?

Sure did what to hell is up with this world?

…..click click… Dog’s on…it’s new wanna watch it with  me?

So, the picture is becoming clear.  Television is my husbands addiction.  I’d like to carry on a great conversation.  I’d like him to share my love of reading, of books, of anything outside of television.  It’s not going to happen.  Most days I repeat myself, several times over again, just to finish a short conversation.  Even then I do not feel like he has listened to me.  He hasn’t “heard” me.

We have been together eight years.  We have been married seven.  We have raised some great kids.  The youngest is 16 and will be leaving home in the next couple years.  Deep down this scares me.  It scares me on the mom level because my “baby” will be gone.  The house will be quiet, except for, of course, the televison.  It scares me on a personal level because what will happen to my marriage?

Will my husband suddenly decide after the kids are gone that it’s ok to talk with his wife.  To share things.  To share feelings on life, thoughts, concerns?  Or will we just be two people.  Living in a house together.  Growing old.  Eating dinner.  Watching the late news and waiting for the kids to call.  Can I be satisfied with this?  This thought terrifies me.  I love my husband.  He has some of the most wonderful traits.  He is loving and kinds.  He supports me in everything I want to do.  He is a great provider.  He is a man’s man.  He is a wonderful father to our kids.  A great grandfather to our grandkids.  He is honest.

Do I know where I stand with him?  Maybe.  I’ll ask him what he is thinking… “nothing” is his reply.  No matter what.  That is the answer.
“nothing”.  He could be setting there looking so deep in thought a person has the urge to toss him a life saver and still, he would be thinking “nothing”

At what point do you get comfortable enough with your husband/wife to share EVERYTHING.  Every little thought, every fantasy, every feeling you have?  Is it wrong to be married to someone you feel you can’t share with?

I’ll ponder these another day.


1 Response so far »

  1. 1

    karadouglas said,

    Dont ponder too hard. Just write about it. It is great to vent, it’s how we survive!


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